I Learned to Be the Best Caregiver I Could Be

Muffy Walker holds a Master of Science in Psychiatric Nursing and a MBA. She has written extensively on mental health topics and is now channeling her experience into writing fiction. Her debut novel, Memory Weavers, educates readers in a way that feels natural, engaging and thought-provoking. 

Flowers in hand, I arrived at the airport to collect my mom from her trip back East. Two weeks prior, I had taken her to see June, our friend and former neighbor. Although June knew about my mom’s Alzheimer’s, I still needed to educate her on what medications to give, that Mom might need assistance coordinating outfits, and gentle reminders for daily hygiene. I felt confident that Mom and June would have a wonderful time together.

As I waited patiently by the jet bridge, I watched as parents with kids in tow, harried travelers rushing to their next flight, and passengers in wheelchairs exited the plane. Soon the flight attendants and pilots followed. “Are there any more passengers? Where is my mother?” I asked. After much investigative work, we learned my mother had gotten off when the plane stopped in Birmingham. Her obvious confusion alerted the ground staff there that she had some cognitive issues, so they kept her in their sight. Mom was ultimately put on another flight back to San Diego. She was unharmed, safe, and to be honest, really wasn’t aware — or more likely, didn’t remember — the mishap.

Muffy’s mother, Sally Walker.

My mother, Sally Walker, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease 23 years ago and passed away eight years later. I was fortunate to spend those eight years with her. It was a privilege to be her caregiver and to be involved in her life. Caregiving, however, no matter what the illness or handicap, is a huge undertaking: It can be an emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial burden. But as a nurse, I felt well-equipped to care for her. Heck, I’d been taking care of patients for over 15 years. Repeating answers to the same questions, placing reminders on sticky notes, taking away her car keys, and doing other tasks to ensure her safety and comfort came naturally to me. What didn’t come naturally though was that this was MY MOM. There was a deep personal attachment. 

As a caregiver, you can only do your best, but part of being a good caregiver is taking care of yourself. I believe support is integral to that. Support comes in many forms, and it doesn’t matter where you find it. It can be your family, friends, a church congregation, book club, professional support group, or a therapist, but it is vital to your existence as a caregiver. We’ve all heard the saying on planes: “Put on your oxygen mask first.” How true it is. 

Muffy’s mother, Sally Walker.

From my experience with my mom on the airplane, I also learned never to assume. I thought I was clever and had everything figured out. She had medications in labeled pill boxes, luggage tags and IDs with names, phone numbers and doctors’ information in her handbag and suitcases, and drop off/pick up information between me and June was executed to a T. What could go wrong? Birmingham went wrong. My mother was a very, very bright and highly educated woman. She could “fake out” anyone: making up answers, skillfully turning the conversation around, and using vague generalizations. Due to my naivete, I never imagined she would get off the plane at a stopover. I am thankful that she was safe, but still blamed myself for letting that possibility slip through the cracks.

In her remaining years, I learned not to assume what she would or wouldn’t do. I tried to be proactive, and to use support groups and online tools to help me navigate the journey we were both on. I learned to be the best caregiver I could be.

A few years after my mother died, I decided to write a novel about a protagonist with Alzheimer’s disease. Memory Weavers, published by Koehler Books, is the story of a family grappling with this awful disease and the journey they all encounter. Although fiction, the book offers education, resources, scientifically sound information, and support.

You can learn more about Memory Weavers on my website: www.muffywalker.com and is available in print, ereaders and on Audible.